Gehn Black - The Saiyan Cyborg

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Gehn Black - The Saiyan Cyborg

Post  Serak on Thu Dec 25, 2008 6:19 am

I was not actually planning on posting this here, or anywhere honestly, since the most of the people here have the writing abilities of a shovel. Or worse.

I've just got nowhere better to put it, and I'd like some second opinions since this is probably the largest writing project I've ever done and I want to make it as good as possible.

And yes, I realize it's not related with the (crappy) Forum RPG here, but it still seemed like the best place to put it.

So, this is the Prologue + Chapter 1 of my hopefully novel-length story about Gehn Black. Sadly, the Saiyan Cyborg part probably won't be explained until like...Chapter Six or Seven. Anyway, essentially what I'm doing is re-writing the DBZ Storyline starting with the Battle With Raditz based on Gehn's actions, and I've even tried to incorporate actual lines from the Anime in here.

And if you're a slow reader, get comfy! Apparently this thing is too big for one post.

So, without further ado!(Not that anyone really cares, nor am I that good of a writer. It MIGHT be impressive for my age, considering I'm only sixteen, but I doubt it.)


Last edited by Serak on Thu Dec 25, 2008 6:37 am; edited 2 times in total
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Re: Gehn Black - The Saiyan Cyborg

Post  Serak on Thu Dec 25, 2008 6:20 am

Prologue – Gehn Black

“Bring it!” Gehn bellowed, his red aura erupting around him, swirling his hair and blowing around what was left of the blue, alien grass on this barren war-torn planet. He charged his opponent, flying just above the ground as the wind whipped his black, bowl-cut hair upright.

Around him, arcs of magma shot through the air as the oceans collapsed into the vast crevices and the ground crumbled under their feet.

“Gehn, don’t!” Yelled his ally, a man with large spiky blonde hair and bulging muscles. Like Gehn, this man’s shirt had been torn completely off and even his red, baggy pants had holes in them. The only things in one piece were his blue boots.

But Gehn didn’t listen; he swung punches wildly as his opponent, who dodged them effortlessly with a smug look on his face. The man, if he could be called that, had primarily white skin with purple, glass-like portions on his center chest, shoulders, and a large stripe down his head.

His name…was Frieza.

“Stop moving!!!” Gehn cried in frustration as his punches kept missing, he then spun around swinging a kick at Frieza’s head and felt it connect with his forearm. The next thing he felt was Frieza’s foot connecting with his cheek, sending Gehn gliding along the ground kicking up dust in his wake.

Gehn struggled to prop himself up on one arm and spat blood. The battle that had been raging for days now had taken its toll. He then looked back to Frieza and saw only a bright purple light.
~~~~

Gehn awoke in his space pod with a gasp, after he had collected himself he punched some buttons on the controller next to him and his computer reported less than an hour until arrival.

“Earth…” Gehn said to himself, adjusting his wristbands and looking out the front window on his space pod. “Computer! Has there been any other recent space travel in the area?”

In the few moments before the computer responded, Gehn pondered the dreams he had been having. Each one was of a battle, apparently in the future since he had not seen many of the places where they took place, but in each one he saw something he hadn’t believed to exist.

And if it did, it was one of the few things that truly frightened a Saiyan warrior such as himself.

And it was the one, the only, Legendary Super Saiyan. In many, he saw other people as that person; one was even a mere child! But once, even, it was he.

Then the computer interrupted his thoughts by reporting that there had indeed been a Space Pod landing almost one Earth-day ago. The model was of Saiyan make.

“Another Saiyan?” Gehn said to himself. “How many survived Planet Vegeta’s destruction?”

Gehn leaned on an arm while his hand propped up his head.

“The conquest of this planet may prove difficult.” Gehn said to himself yet again, he then picked his head up and pushed yet another button next to him. This button opened up a small compartment containing a small machine with a glass square out in front. He attached this device to his ear in such a way that the green glass portion covered his eye.

“At least I can find this Saiyan and remove him from the equation.” He said to himself again.

In the next couple of minutes, Gehn’s pod began it’s firey decent to Earth.
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Re: Gehn Black - The Saiyan Cyborg

Post  Serak on Thu Dec 25, 2008 6:21 am

Chapter 1 – Raditz: First Class Warrior

In a field surrounded by mountains in the distance, a mighty battle was taking place. A Saiyan, identifiable by the iconic monkey tail, was exchanging rapid blows with what seemed to be a normal Human and a green man.

Soon, the two fighters against the Saiyan leaped high into the air. The Human pulled his two hands behind his hip and cupped them as he began charging up a ball of blue energy.

“Kaaaa….meeee….haaaa…meee…” He began saying.

The green man on the other hand was pointing his palm down at the Saiyan and charging a yellow blast.

The Saiyan snickered.

“HAAAAAAA!!!” The Human said, his black pointy hair blowing around wildly as he unleashed his blast. The green man’s antennae also were blow upright by his own blast.

Interesting…The Saiyan thought to himself, his scouter making various bleeps and beeps. They increase their power levels by focusing their energy into a single point and letting it fly.

“Well, I’m sorry Brother, but I’m afraid that’s not good enough!” The Saiyan bellowed, holding out his two hands just in time to catch the two beams.

The blasts exploded and engulfed the Saiyan in smoke.

“There’s no way…” The Human said as the smoke cleared, revealing the Saiyan standing there with his burnt palms still outstretched. “Raditz canceled both the blasts, Piccolo!”

Piccolo gritted the teeth. “Goku…” He said in a quieter tone. “Your tail, when you had it, caused extreme pain when someone grabbed it right?”

“Yeah…why…” Goku said, contemplating what Piccolo could be talking about.

“He has one! If I distract him long enough, you can get behind him and grab it, rendering him helpless!”

Goku’s eyes widened. “Great idea Piccolo, let’s go!”

Goku’s white aura appeared around him as he swooped down to Raditz, Piccolo quickly followed suit and the two began another barrage of punches, kicking up grass as they fought.

In the middle of a parry, Raditz swung his arm and connected the back of his fist with Goku’s nose which sent him hurtling backwards, arm’s flailing as he hit the ground, bounced twice, and slid to a stop as he rose dust into the air.

As Piccolo watched Goku go down he felt a hard punch connect with the right side of his head, and another with the left, this one knocking purple blood from his mouth. Another one was about to hit when Raditz cried out in horror.

Behind him was Goku, his blue and red clothes now dirty from his beating.

“What, don’t like it when someone grabs your tail?” Goku asked innocently, squeezing.

Raditz screamed, his mouth agape and his eyes wide and blank. “Ka..Kakarot…please…”

“Heh.” Piccolo said. “You asked earlier about that technique I had mentioned, Goku?”

Piccolo put his first to fingers to his forehead and began to concentrate intensely

“Well, here it is!” He grunted as he began to gather energy for his attack. “Give me a few minutes, Goku! Hold him just like that!”

“Kakarot, please, have mercy…” Raditz managed to squeak out.

“Mercy?! Why should I? After what you did to Krillin and kidnapping my son!” Goku yelled, squeezing even harder.

Raditz gasped in pain. “Please, Kakarot, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I-I won’t do it again!”

“Won’t do what again?! Hurt people!?” Goku yelled again, seeming just to get more angry.

“Yes! Yes! I’m sorry for what I’ve done, Kakarot! I see now that it was wrong! Please! Have mercy on your brother!” Raditz pleaded.

This seemed to get to Goku, and Piccolo saw it.

“GOKU! Don’t listen to him! He’s lying!” Piccolo bellowed in desperation, his veins bulging and electricity sparking at where his fingers touched his forehead.

“Kakarot! I beg you! Have mercy!” Raditz said, continuing to plead despite Piccolo’s comments.

Goku’s grip loosened, and that was all Raditz needed to slip his tail out and wrap it around his waist, he then leaned to the side as Piccolo bellowed “SPECIAL BEAM CANNON!” and unleashed his attack.

The beam had another beat spiraling around its center and Raditz was just fast enough as the shot tore off his left shoulder armor piece and scorched the shoulder itself.

Raditz was breathing heavily after the beam had hit a cliff behind him and exploded. He then suddenly regained his composure and glared at Piccolo.

“Impressive, but now you must die for it!” Raditz bellowed, shooting his elbow back and smashing Goku in the face, he then flew high into the air and point his hands at Piccolo with both hands palm-open with fingers separated.

“SATURDAY CRUSH!” Raditz yelled, firing his yellow blast down at Piccolo, who was defenseless against it. The blast hit him and exploded head-on.

Raditz then wasted no time as he charged back down at Goku who was just getting back up and slugged him hard in the face. He then began beating Goku senseless, breaking bones with each hit. He then landed a devastating blow to Goku’s gut with his knee, and finished by pointing his hand in Goku’s face and detonating a ball of energy he had charged into it.

Goku flew from the smoke cloud as limp as a doll, his shirt half torn off and his pants horribly torn and just generally damaged.

Raditz walked over to his helpless brother and put his boot on his chest.

“Fool!” Raditz said, chuckling putting weight on Goku causing him to cry in pain. “How could you? You’re a rare breed indeed my brother, just a sentimental joke, you’re way too soft to be a Saiyan Warrior anyway.

“No fair!” Goku said, moaning in pain again.

“Heh. I suppose you’re right, Kakarot.” Raditz said, grinning. “But I’m a First Class Warrior and I won’t hesitate to kill even my own brother if need be. Heheheh. Now say goodbye.”

“AARRGGHHH!” Goku yelled as Raditz stomped again.

Raditz continued his torture a while longer, Goku crying out helplessly. But largely unnoticed during the battle was a crater where Raditz’s Space Pod had landed. In the pod was Goku’s 4-year-old son, Gohan. The boy had been crying while listening to his father lose to Raditz, but in the face of simple torture, the sadness has turned into blind rage.

Raditz looked over to Piccolo, who was just getting up, now missing an arm.

“Why so blue, green man? Is it because you’re powerless to help your friend of because you’re just plain ugly?” Raditz said, laughing at his own joke. His attention then turned to Goku. “What? Not even going to beg, Kakarot? You’re no fun at all.”

Raditz lift a finger over his head, preparing to gather energy. “NOW SAY GOODBYE!!!”

Then Raditz’s scouter went off.

“WHAT?!” Raditz said, astonished at the numbers appearing on his scouter screen. “A power level of over one thousand?! No…eleven hundred…twelve hundred…” Fear was growing in Raditz’s voice “It’s over thirteen hundred! And it’s coming from…my space pod?!”

Raditz shot a look at the crater where his space pod lay just in time to see a young boy burst out of it a mess of metallic fragments and wiring. The boy landed on the edge of the crater, his fists clenched and his nose still running from his previous sobbing. The child was shaking with fury.

“Boy!” Raditz said, pointing at Gohan. “Where are you getting this kind of power?!”

Gohan didn’t answer, he just stood there, furious.

“Don’t…hurt…my…father…ANYMORE!!!” Gohan said, his anger exploding as a firey yellow and red glow surrounded his body.

Raditz was too slow to dodge the boy, and Gohan flew and head butted him right in the gut, cracking his armor. Raditz made a gurgling noise and his eyes went wide as he stumbled backward. Gohan fell to the ground sitting up and holding his head, wondering what happened.

No! Raditz thought to himself. How could a mere child damage me like this?! I…I am a Saiyan! One of the greatest warriors in the Universe! I shall not have this humiliation!

Raditz, clutching his gut, struggled to stand up right.

“Boy…” He said. “You’ll pay for humiliating me like this…”

Raditz walked over to the dumbfounded Gohan who looked up at Raditz with fear in his eyes. Raditz pulled his leg back.

“RADITZ! NO!” Goku yelled, helplessly laying on the dirt and holding his arm out to his son. But it mattered not. Raditz kicked Gohan in the face a sent him sliding along the ground for about ten feet, out cold.

Raditz looked furious as he walked over to Gohan.

“He is a worthy Saiyan Warrior, and will receive a Saiyan’s death.” Raditz said, picking up Gohan by the collar of his yellow overcoat and green undershirt. Using his other hand he charged a ball of energy.

“Goodbye, child!” Raditz yelled as he was about blow Gohan away. But right before he could launch his attack someone grabbed him from behind.

It was Goku.

“B-Brother?!” Raditz said, astonished. “Argh. How can you keep me held?!”

“PICCOLO!!” Goku yelled over Raditz’s shoulder at Piccolo who was in front of them both, with Gohan laying on the ground at Raditz’s feet. “Do you have enough energy for that attack of yours again?!”

“Heh.” Piccolo said, chuckling. “Yeah, just enough. I need five minutes, Goku, just keep him held and don’t listen to anything he says!”

As Piccolo began to charge one last Special Beam Cannon, Raditz began a frantic struggle against Goku.

“Kakarot, please! You can’t do this!!! I’m your brother!” Raditz said, fighting hard against Goku’s hold. Clearly, Gohan's attack had done more than just crack his armor.

“No, you are NOT my brother!” Goku said, grunting with the strain of holding Raditz still. “Piccolo! HURRY!”

“I hope you know Goku, this will kill you too!” Piccolo said, pulling his fingers from his head with electricity crackling from them.

“JUST DO IT PICCOLO!!!” Goku yelled, almost losing Raditz.

“Heh. Now…” Piccolo pointed his fingers at Raditz’s chest. “Special…Beam…CANNON!!!”

The familiar blast shot from Piccolo’s fingers with blinding speed, but as it rushed to it’s destination the unthinkable happened! Raditz broke Goku’s hold and dove under the blast, which tore through Goku’s chest instead.

Jumping to his feet, Raditz fired a beam at he stunned Piccolo. The blast caught him off guard and knocked him down in a smoky explosion.

Raditz was scowling as he looked at his dying brother and the downed Namek.

“Heh.” Raditz said. “These two surprised me more than once.”

Raditz’s scouter began going off once again.

“What the…” He said, examining the numbers on the display. “A power level of over one thousand?!”

His scouter directed him to turn to the right, and there he was. Another fighter.

This man had shiny black hair in a perfectly straight bowl-cut. He also had a plain white t-shirt, black wristbands, black boots, and gray baggy pants. On his eye was a green scouter much like Raditz’s, and wrapped around his red cloth belt was a Saiyan Tail.

“When I landed, the scouter said you’re power level was 1,220, and now it’s just over 300! What happened, if I may ask?” The Saiyan said, grinning.

(TO BE CONTINUED SINCE CHAPTER 1 IS TOO BIG FOR ONE POST!)
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Re: Gehn Black - The Saiyan Cyborg

Post  Serak on Thu Dec 25, 2008 6:21 am

“You! You’re a Saiyan! What’re you doing here?!” Raditz yelled, pointing.

“Me? A Saiyan? What ever could have given you THAT idea?” The Saiyan said, unwrapping his tail to put emphasis on his sarcasm. “But if you must know, I’m Gehn Black and I’m here to take over this planet.”

“Well, I’m sorry. But I’ve already claimed it in the name of Prince Vegeta!” Raditz said in a triumphant tone.

“Prince Vegeta you say? I must say, I’m not impressed. What is he “Prince” of anymore anyway? The scattered few Saiyans roaming the cosmos? Heh. Like that means anything, even I don’t swear allegiance to him.”

“Then I must kill you for your treason against the Prince!” Raditz said, getting into a battle stance. But before he could do anything more than that, a red blast tore through his gut where his armor had been weak. He seemed to fall backwards in slow motion, bleeding profusely from his new wound and spitting blood.

Raditz hit the ground with a thud and Gehn walked over to him, looking down at him condescendingly.

“Hm.” Gehn said, examining Raditz. “You shouldn’t have been so careless in battle before and you may have stood a chance against me!”

Raditz’s answer came in the form of him spitting up blood.

Piccolo then walked over and looked down at Raditz in shock and horror, his attention then turned to Gehn.

“Yo-you beat him…” Piccolo said, covering up his stump of an arm. “How?”

Gehn’s eyes turned to Piccolo. “I’m simply more powerful than he. Do you not have a brain, green man?”

Before Piccolo could answer, Raditz began to laugh.

“You…really think this is over, don’t you?” Raditz said, looking up at Piccolo and Gehn. “As you should well know, Saiyan, the scouter functions as a communicator as well! My partners will be here in less than a year to dispense with all of you, sad that they won’t get to fight Kakarot since he’s DEAD.”

“Heh. You’d think that wouldn’t you, you trash?” Piccolo said confidently. “Goku’s friends will probably have brought him back to life within the week.”
“What?! How?” Raditz asked, choking on his blood.

“The Dragon Balls you fool, they are capable of restoring the lives of those lost in battle.” Piccolo said.

The next thing he saw was Gehn blasting off Raditz’s head with a fiery red blast.

“Are you daft?!” Gehn asked Piccolo in a fervor. “Now the other two Saiyans are certain to come! I want no more competition in my conquest of this planet.”

Piccolo gritted his teeth. How many of these monkeys are there? He thought to himself

“I can’t let you do that.” Piccolo said, hardening his stance to seem more intimidating without one of his arms.

“And how do you plan to stop me?” Gehn asked, tilting and showing his teeth. “But…”

Gehn thought for a moment. With two more Saiyans undoubtedly on the way, and one of the them being the infamous Prince Vegeta, Gehn was uncertain if he and this green man would be able to stop them both. And if one of them was truly Vegeta, then he was certain to be strong, as is his partner.

There was one hope.

“Tell me about these ‘Dragon Balls’, and I may be inclined to allow this planet, and it’ inhabitants, to live a little longer. You mentioned they can restore the dead to life? How about preserving life for a period of…forever?”

“Immortality? I’m certain they could, but I can’t let you get the Dragon Balls!” Piccolo announced. In the next instant, with a war cry, a slimy arm erupted from Piccolo’s stub. He then wasted no time charging a ball of energy into both palms.

Amazing. Gehn thought to himself. Regeneration.

He then lifted both his arms up as if in surrender, and then closed his eyes and chuckled a little.

“Listen, listen…” Gehn said nonchalantly. “This planet is going to be taken by either me or them. As for myself? My intentions are to rule it. But them? Trust me when I say that Prince Vegeta will want to do nothing more than wipe it clean of all…whatever civilization is here since I detected one while landing, and then sell it to the highest bidder on the Open Galactic Market. Only AFTER using the Dragon Balls to grant himself Immortality. And I can guarantee you that that was indeed the first thought that popped into his head when he heard about the Dragon Balls

Gehn honestly didn’t know what Vegeta’s true intentions were going to be aside from getting the Dragon Balls, but Immortality seemed like the best bet.

Piccolo scowled but released the energy he had gathered. “Fine. But I’ll kill you after we’re finished.” He said plainly.

He then walked over to Gohan.

“That boy had incredible power.” Piccolo said.

“I know. My scouter detected a Power Level of 1,370, I just wasn’t sure who it was.” Gehn said, looking at the boy. He then noticed his monkey tail. “He’s Saiyan?”

“Half-Saiyan it seems. His mother is Human.” Piccolo said, picking up the child. “But his power is too large to ignore. If he learns to control it he could become stronger than his father.”

“And…what? You’re going to train him? A green man is going to train a Saiyan child? Ha! Don’t make me laugh. Only a Saiyan can properly train a Saiyan child!”

“Heh. Try and take him.” Piccolo said, thinking Gehn actually won’t try.

He was wrong.

The next thing Piccolo knew was that Gehn was standing in front of him holding the unconscious Gohan by the back of his collar.

“It’s clear you need some training as well, green man.” Gehn said, grinning. “But I’m going to bet by the looks of this kid, he hasn’t seen much in the way of combat?”

“Heh. You could say that.” Piccolo said, trying to ignore Gehn’s blinding speed advantage he clearly demonstrated. “So, unless you WANT to teach him survival training…”

“Hm. You make a point, green man.” Gehn said, tossing the boy to his feet. “You have six months to get this boy used to living on his own. Then the combat training starts, with me.”

Piccolo and Gehn both heard something approaching in the sky, and looked to see a small yellow dot approaching.

“That must be Goku’s friends…” Piccolo said to himself, picking up Gohan. “You should…”

But when Piccolo turned to look at Gehn, he was already gone. Piccolo then turned to look at the landing ship as the blue-haired girl known as Bulma, the short and bald martial artist Krillin, and Turtle Master Roshi walked around and ran to Goku’s side.

He was still alive!

Piccolo ran over to Goku, looking down at him while holding his son.

“P-Piccolo…” Goku spurted out after talking to Krillin. His words were sparse and separated by gasps of pain as he slowly passed away. “I-it’s a good idea to train Gohan…And that other Saiyan, Gehn…he can help…we have to beat the next two Saiyans…just…don’t wish me back…for a year…Kami was talking to me telepathically…he says I may be able to train…in the Other World…”

“Another Saiyan!?” Krillin said frantically to Goku, then turning to Piccolo. “There was a second Saiyan?!”

Goku then shakily lifted his hand and put it on Krillin’s shoulder.

“It’s okay…he’s not like Raditz…he will help us…” Goku said with a smile. Bulma was near tears as Goku slowly drifted away. Krillin was as well, and Roshi had his head looking to the ground in Goku’s honor. Piccolo looked down at his former enemy, a grudging respect in his eyes.

Goku’s head fell from Krillin’s shoulder, and his head tilted to the side, eyes closed.

“Goku? GOKU!” Krillin yelled, shaking his friend, wanting him back. Goku’s body then slowly faded away, leaving everyone stunned.

“Listen! I’m taking Gohan for the next year to train him for the arrival of the other two Saiyans Goku told you about!” Piccolo said, slowly ascending into the sky.

“Wait!” Krillin yelled, reaching up at Piccolo. “You can’t Chi-Chi’ll…!”

But it was too late. Piccolo’s white aura flared into existence and he blasted off through the sky.

END OF CHAPTER 1
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Re: Gehn Black - The Saiyan Cyborg

Post  Zetetsu on Fri Dec 26, 2008 4:08 am

Serak wrote:I was not actually planning on posting this here, or anywhere honestly, since the most of the people here have the writing abilities of a shovel. Or worse.

I've just got nowhere better to put it, and I'd like some second opinions since this is probably the largest writing project I've ever done and I want to make it as good as possible.

And yes, I realize it's not related with the (crappy) Forum RPG here, but it still seemed like the best place to put it.

So, this is the Prologue + Chapter 1 of my hopefully novel-length story about Gehn Black. Sadly, the Saiyan Cyborg part probably won't be explained until like...Chapter Six or Seven. Anyway, essentially what I'm doing is re-writing the DBZ Storyline starting with the Battle With Raditz based on Gehn's actions, and I've even tried to incorporate actual lines from the Anime in here.

And if you're a slow reader, get comfy! Apparently this thing is too big for one post.

So, without further ado!(Not that anyone really cares, nor am I that good of a writer. It MIGHT be impressive for my age, considering I'm only sixteen, but I doubt it.)

Okay, that was just uncalled for. Many of these people have really good Roleplaying abilites here. You are just editing the storyline of a show. Also the Forum RPG is going good its not crappy. It sucks when people just go and criticize things. Why does it suck, just because its not an AR of the DBZ storyline? So I want to you shut up and make up one with the Forum RPG. It seems this way because the people in the RPG are working on the Game itself or are too busy with something in their life.

Also all of theirs have their own made up characters, they don't have the DBZ Characters in here either. Maybe some of the newer people but we fixed that up a lot. But anyways please tell me why yours is so good and others suck only creative thing is your guy and some others and their techniques. So I say you're the one with the roleplaying ability with a shovel probably even worse. Please do tell why it is so good when no other characters seem to be made up.
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Re: Gehn Black - The Saiyan Cyborg

Post  Serak on Fri Dec 26, 2008 4:29 am

Please, next time you want to attack me for no reason, use that thing in your skull for something BESIDES holding your ears apart.

Okay, that was just uncalled for. Many of these people have really good Roleplaying abilites here. You are just editing the storyline of a show. Also the Forum RPG is going good its not crappy. It sucks when people just go and criticize things.

Oh please, did you READ Barson's DBAF roleplays? Seriously? It looks like he bashed his keyboard with a shovel and got a lucky few words out of it.

As for the quality of the RPG, it's practically non-existant. I see no techniques page, races page listed fully with the Power Level Requirements for all transformations nor do they have racial techniques, I see no list of potential battle environments on the various planets, hell, I don't even see a mathematical system for determining the outcome of PvP battles!

Why does it suck, just because its not an AR of the DBZ storyline?

Read above. In reality, I have no particular love for Alternate Reality stories of the DBZ storyline, that's just how Gehn's story is meant to be told...

Also all of theirs have their own made up characters, they don't have the DBZ Characters in here either. Maybe some of the newer people but we fixed that up a lot. But anyways please tell me why yours is so good and others suck only creative thing is your guy and some others and their techniques. So I say you're the one with the roleplaying ability with a shovel probably even worse. Please do tell why it is so good when no other characters seem to be made up.

Wow, you only asked the same thing...three times in that paragraph?

Anyway. I do have plenty of unique characters coming up. Gehn Black, Kashi, Sax, Talsorian, Prena, Kincha, Krudule, Sami, and Coll. All with their own stories and personalities that I plan to seemlessly integrate into the entire DBZ Story Line.

Nor do I actually find what I do to be of any true quality in the grand scheme of things. But, then again, these little boards here aren't the grand scheme of things are they?

So, please, if you're going to attack me over trivial issues at least do so with more gusto. I wanted constructive criticism on my writing, not blatant assaults on me for speaking the truth about this "RPG" you have on these here forums.
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Re: Gehn Black - The Saiyan Cyborg

Post  Shikamaru on Fri Dec 26, 2008 4:50 am

I liked you story, kept me busy without quitting to read. it's nice how you implend new character's in the original story-line! keep it up.
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Re: Gehn Black - The Saiyan Cyborg

Post  Serak on Fri Dec 26, 2008 5:02 am

Not quite the criticism I was hoping for, but I don't mind hearing it. XD

Anyway, thank-you. If you really did like it, then you should be interested to hear that Chapter 2 is titled "The First Six Months" and will be done within the week, hopefully. But I make no promises since writing is a process you cannot put a schedule on with full certainty of being able to keep to it.
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Re: Gehn Black - The Saiyan Cyborg

Post  Shikamaru on Fri Dec 26, 2008 5:10 am

Ok cool, and yeh i really like it. I only found this, you did say at some point from Gehn's view that piccolo has 6 months to train gohan, later i found you speak about theres 1 year (12 months) left. I do understand that the saiyan's come in 1 year. So then i guess you mean Piccolo has 6 months to let gohan get used to surviving alone? And the other 6 months will be Gehn's training for Gohan, am i right?
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Re: Gehn Black - The Saiyan Cyborg

Post  Serak on Fri Dec 26, 2008 5:37 am

Exactly. That's Gehn's plan, anyway.
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Re: Gehn Black - The Saiyan Cyborg

Post  Shikamaru on Fri Dec 26, 2008 6:15 am

I just made a quick-look of my RP character Boroden Uziraios. with pen and paper i would do it way better but it's for the idea.

http://www.swbf2-soh.be/boroden.JPG
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Re: Gehn Black - The Saiyan Cyborg

Post  Zetetsu on Fri Dec 26, 2008 11:05 am

Oh Serak I'm only attacking you because you attacked many of the Forum Rpers. That are really good at it so shut the hell up. And I never said that you liked AR DBZ storylines. Learn to read I only asked twice and for two different reasons. Oh 8 characters isn't Much I want to see an arsenal of them for a whole story Hmm I don't see that.

Also its called using our mind for the outcome. Lets see a person with a powerlevel of 70000 is going to beat someone with 40000. It is so much a difference of power there is now need. Also points of techniques is what raises their power behind their limit to beat each other. How about joining a game thats not just text with roleplaying and you'll know. Also I didn't say everyone was great RPers but a lot of these do. Now you are just bashing on one person when you said this.

I was not actually planning on posting this here, or anywhere honestly, since the most of the people here have the writing abilities of a shovel. Or worse.

Serak this is called criticism about how you attack others in the forum for Roleplaying. Also making a good thought out right on the spot Forum RPG look like crap. You attacked many people in the forum with RPs on this. When I'm just attacking the person who said that. With this how about making Gehn's story his own with no DBZ characters and join our Forum RPG and help make it better than make it go down even farther. Also why seem like you are all that smart.

Oh please, did you READ Barson's DBAF roleplays? Seriously? It looks like he bashed his keyboard with a shovel and got a lucky few words out of it.

Also gusto is a spanish word meaning meet you or nice(not that far in my spanish class yet to learn separate words), learn your languages before you speak them. Because Mucho Gusto is nice to meet you in Spanish. If you haven't noticed some of these people have English as a Second language, and learn to respect that instead of flaming them they weren't born with the language. Tell me if you learned spanish or any other language for that matter, how good would your grammar and spelling be hmm. Let me say it would be horrible not even mediocre at best.

So, please, if you're going to attack me over trivial issues at least do so with more gusto. I wanted constructive criticism on my writing, not blatant assaults on me for speaking the truth about this "RPG" you have on these here forums.

Please stop acting all high and mighty making it seem like you're better than me or anyone else for that matter. You don't want to piss me off like that at all. Also how about acting mature and respect others tries at like their first time Roleplaying maybe second. Your sixteen years old you said driving age, you should be acting more mature like by being nice to others for efforts. But it seems you still have time to grow up you got 2 more years until official age of a young adult and then 3 more until the official age of adulthood. Because the way you're going you'll have no friends in the world of adulthood.
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Re: Gehn Black - The Saiyan Cyborg

Post  AnarchoElk on Fri Dec 26, 2008 1:37 pm

Zetetsu. . . Please son't start.
Serak, please don't respond to his posts.

Zetetsu:
If you have serious critique of his story, then do so. If you don't you're just creating more drama.

If there was a report button, I'd have pushed it but there wasn't so I'll say it this time. You're just making yourself look bad. Also, gusto means different things in different languages. As Serak used it in an english post, maybe you should go by the English meaning, which makes sense in that post.

Serak:
The people here may not be the best writers, but that's no reason to bash them. If you have serious critique, that's cool, and while I like the fact you bring it forward when you don't like something you could be a bit nicer about it.

Honestly, in a three strike system, you'd probably already have 5. I understand where you're coming from, and you make a lot of good points, but to be critical you don't have to be rude. It's not edgy or cool, or whatever.


So to both of you, I'd like you both to stop talking to each other until Abyss shows up so he can take care of this.
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Re: Gehn Black - The Saiyan Cyborg

Post  Serak on Fri Dec 26, 2008 7:46 pm

I don't think I'm being edgy or cool. I'm being an asshole; there is no doubt about that. But when people like Zetetsu are running around talking about languages while he himself can't put his own posts into an easily coherent sentence or paragraph, it's hard for me not to bash him.

As for bashing the role-players, I'm sorry if I'm coming off rude. But the lack of quality control here is quite...astounding. And I'm frankly not a nice guy to begin with, so if you don't like me calling the problems as I see them, ban me. Or put a rule up that says "u r no alowed b mean evar!1!11!!11!1l1lololololol" in which case I'd just leave anyway. >.>

As for Zetetsu, it's clear that ripping his argument apart piece by piece is a waste of my time. Let me just sum it up by saying A: It's clear you didn't even read what I wrote.
B: You like to think you're cool because English is a second language to you, and if it's not then please use www.spellcheck.net to assist you. Actually, use it anyway.
C: Anarcho was right about gusto as it can mean many things. And yes, I do know some rudimentary Spanish, as I know that the gusto you're thinking about comes from the verb gustar. That was a Spanish 1 level concept. I'm also even less familiar with German, but I do know a few things. Another example is Hasta Pronto, which in Spanish means "See you soon", but if we use pronto in English it means "fast", "rapidly", or "to do something fast or rapidly" as it's most common usage.
D: Friends are overrated. People are overrated. Frankly, if I don't have any friends ever then my life will be complete. And yes, before you say it I do not have a life. Mine consists of writing, school, exercising, and learning things by competing with other people, nothing more and I intend to keep it that while replacing school with a job. I also don't see what being driving age has to do with being nice, because I'm not "nice" in the way you'd define it, regardless of my age.

Okay, I'm done, I promise. And I'll take any "punishment" inflicted by the moderators and administrators here without fuss. On a side note, Chapter 2 is coming up soon so I hope for some SERIOUS criticism on that.

Have a nice day. Smile
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Re: Gehn Black - The Saiyan Cyborg

Post  Zetetsu on Fri Dec 26, 2008 8:15 pm

Well like Anarcho said we should stop. So I'm going to be the mature one and do it (Im not running away from the argument we are pretty much spamming.) Serak you have to be more respectful to people, you just bash people like in your 10th post? Well I'm off for today got to go watch my bros.
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Re: Gehn Black - The Saiyan Cyborg

Post  Shikamaru on Fri Dec 26, 2008 9:21 pm

I am a lot like Gehn, i live play and do things for myself. Still if you plan to go on a forum and post, then you automatically get in contact with the community, so you should be respectfull to them. That's my point i guess.
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Re: Gehn Black - The Saiyan Cyborg

Post  Swordman on Sat Dec 27, 2008 3:17 am

Everyone shut up...Serak is the best RPer that I know of...EVER...end of story ^_^

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Re: Gehn Black - The Saiyan Cyborg

Post  Zetetsu on Sat Dec 27, 2008 4:07 am

Oh wow he can sit down in front of a computer and type for who knows how long on a story. Make corrections as he can and whenever he wants. Many people can do that, I could but I really don't care I accidentally misspell a little word like the or and. You can still read it, because I post it right after I'm done typing it up. Also thats your opinion Swordman, and roleplaying is boring if you do it by yourself and not with others that are friends and they are respectful to each other. Now that is my opinion, also AR Roleplays are awesome, but he didn't have to bash our forum rpg, and the people that typed up there Roleplays, with most of them having English as the Second Language. And I stopped arguing with Serak, so I'm done just saying that. (That is to you Swordman not to Serak)
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Re: Gehn Black - The Saiyan Cyborg

Post  AnarchoElk on Sun Dec 28, 2008 6:25 pm

Critically on chapter one, I think some of the dialogue needs some work. It feels overacted at times. I know Dragonball is overacted itself quite often, but there's a specific way to do it. If you are taking lines from the dub, thats the wrong way to do it.

Aside from that, so far Gehn looks like a Gary Stu. He comes out of no where, saves the day, and is better than all the main characters so far. Of course, everyone in Dragonball grows quite fast, so that can change soon, but it seems a bit wrong to me.

Also, Radditz escaping somehow the second time, it needs an explanation that is plausible considering we know he COULDN'T and DIDN'T break free. Something should happen to allow him to escape, that doesn't seem like an easy way to introduce your character to the canon characters. Especially since it's a major deviation.

Overall, you do have some skill, much better than most of the people I knew at 16, but most people I knew didn't write for fun. I'd say if you cut out the average 16 year old, and only target the younger writers, you've got a ways to improve. You've gotten a good start, but there is still a lot of work.
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Re: Gehn Black - The Saiyan Cyborg

Post  Serak on Mon Dec 29, 2008 7:31 am

Honestly, Gehn isn't all that great. His power level is at 1,000, and Raditz's was at 1,220. Only due to getting the crap kicked out of him by Gohan was Gehn able to beat him so easily. And yes, the dialogue is overacted. I may tone it down a bit, but not too much since it is such a huge trademark of DBZ.

As for escaping Goku's grasp, it's a plainly obvious matter that in the show Raditz very nearly did get out of Goku's grip because Goku was hurrying Piccolo to fire his attack. Even if you ignore that, you could also assume that Gohan's headbutt did less damage in this version of the story than the actual anime.

Like most stories, there are always going to be things left for the reader to ponder.
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Re: Gehn Black - The Saiyan Cyborg

Post  Abyss on Fri Jan 02, 2009 7:31 pm

Ok,

Serak, first of all: You can write, really good. But you must know some things. This forum isnt based around the Forum RPG, its just something I added for fun. English isnt my first language and I can make myself understandable, quite good actually but writing is a whole different thing. Most people dont know alot of synonyms for words that you use alot in a fighting rpg/story. Also, the words you learn in english class are mostly not suitable to describe something in a interesting way.

EG:

He has electricity around him. You can see the veins on his arms when his muscles get bigger.

Plain boring eh?
For a native speaker its way easier to describe this in a way that's easy to read and interesting at the same time. Grammar is another issue, its hard to use the correct grammar.

Apart from that, nice story, only too bad you didnt come up with something a little more original although that can change in your next chapters. End of discussion I guess?

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Re: Gehn Black - The Saiyan Cyborg

Post  Serak on Fri Jan 02, 2009 10:12 pm

Thank-you for your compliment. But it's not hard to, say, got to http://thesaurus.reference.com/ to get synonyms. Or to use www.spellcheck.net to run a quick spell check of a roleplay entry.

Hell, if you have Microsoft Word it does both for you. >.>

There are many ways to make one's post more presentable, and I'm not critizing people for not knowing how to do it, I'm critizing them for not even trying to use any of the vast resources on the internet to make their stuff easier to understand.

Here's an example of synonyms for the word "punch" from that thar thesaurus place I posted:

Main Entry: punch
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: hit
Synonyms: bash, belt, biff, blow, bop, box, buffet, clip, clout, cuff, dig, jab, jog, knock, lollop, nudge, one-two, plug, plunk*, poke, prod, pummel, rap, shot, slam, slap, slug, smack, smash, sock, strike, stroke, thrust, thump, wallop

A lot of those are not exactly...good choices for a DBZ entry(lollop, anyone?) but slug, belt, bash, one-two, pummel, shot, slam, smack, smash, sock, strike, thump are all ones I could use.

That whole venture took me less than ten seconds, and I now have a whole new vocabulary for just the word punch.

For the record: When I criticize something, 99% of the time I will have a solution to the issue at hand.

As for the Forum RPG, then I suggest giving someone else control over the area so they can actually DO something with it and actually make it into a GAME as opposed to...whatever it is right now.
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Re: Gehn Black - The Saiyan Cyborg

Post  Abyss on Fri Jan 02, 2009 11:18 pm

Ok, I didnt know that site, thanks btw. And I agree with you about some parts. That Af thing or something was really bad. But try to say it in a less insulting way.

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Re: Gehn Black - The Saiyan Cyborg

Post  Swordman on Fri Jan 02, 2009 11:19 pm

Serak! You can make a forum rpg of dbz!!

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Re: Gehn Black - The Saiyan Cyborg

Post  Serak on Sat Jan 03, 2009 3:46 am

Abyss wrote:Ok, I didnt know that site, thanks btw. And I agree with you about some parts. That Af thing or something was really bad. But try to say it in a less insulting way.

*grumble* Fine. You're request is not unreasonable(you're the admin after all XD) and shall be observed.

Swordman wrote:Serak! You can make a forum rpg of dbz!!

Pass. This website lacks the man-power to run a game on that scale, unless there is some member out there who gets O.C. about a having a job, like myself. But I doubt it, and that's practically the kind of determination you need to run a game like you're thinking.

Besides, I have other projects.
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