Part 1
5 posters
Page 1 of 1
Part 1
ssgohanf8 Sun Dec 28, 2008 7:15 am
Please gives constructive criticism that won't make me cry, lol.
*Birds chirping*
Quantar: *YAWN* "Shut up, you stupid birds! Yellow blast!" *Fires the green attack through the window, shattering it and making the birds... extra crispy* "No! Not another window! Curse you Non-Streak CapsuleCleaner! Oh well, it's not like I have to pay for any windows. I will fly somewhere and rip someone else's window out of the wall without a problem." *Feet slowly lift off the ground and Quantar flies in a random direction and lands at a blue-green house with two garages and 3 windows on everyside of the house*
*Quantar knocks on the door*
*An old man answers the door* "Yes, and whom are you, my boy?"
Quantar: "I'm... in need of a window-"
Man: "MY! Isn't that a long name!"
Quantar: "Don't play with me old man! I've come for a window and I decided to be polite and ask for one before I ripped one out!"
Man: "My, I think I'd better give you some coffee, it's so early, you must not be a morning person. Come on in, and we'll get you a cup."
Quantar: "Wha- what? I- I just want a window..."
Man: "Want to play some Scrabble? Me and my wife used to play, before she passed away in a robbery. She'd make up words in languages I knew nothing about and say it counted, hahaha!"
Quantar: "Bu- but- ugh, fine where's that Scrabble game? ... So your wife was in a line at the robbery?"
Man: "No, my dear boy, she was the robbery! And I was the get-away driver. But she was shot in the legs by the police, and I drove off. She shot 5 police men before they decided to kill her, before she killed the entire police force! How long has it been now... 5 weeks? I'd say about 6..."
Quantar: "Uhh... yeah... I think I'll take a beer instead of coffee now, thanks. And about that Scrabble game, when will we play?
Man: "Here's your beer." *Quantar opens and takes a drink* "We might play after you wak... u..." *Quantar blacks out while the old man was talking*
I ended this soon for the suspense of what happens when Quantar wakes up, ect. I know it might not be interresting... yet. And who let this man in my story?! He's a freaking madman! I had a plan with the old man at first, but it changed when I was flooded with ideas. Coffee, coffee coffee.
*Birds chirping*
Quantar: *YAWN* "Shut up, you stupid birds! Yellow blast!" *Fires the green attack through the window, shattering it and making the birds... extra crispy* "No! Not another window! Curse you Non-Streak CapsuleCleaner! Oh well, it's not like I have to pay for any windows. I will fly somewhere and rip someone else's window out of the wall without a problem." *Feet slowly lift off the ground and Quantar flies in a random direction and lands at a blue-green house with two garages and 3 windows on everyside of the house*
*Quantar knocks on the door*
*An old man answers the door* "Yes, and whom are you, my boy?"
Quantar: "I'm... in need of a window-"
Man: "MY! Isn't that a long name!"
Quantar: "Don't play with me old man! I've come for a window and I decided to be polite and ask for one before I ripped one out!"
Man: "My, I think I'd better give you some coffee, it's so early, you must not be a morning person. Come on in, and we'll get you a cup."
Quantar: "Wha- what? I- I just want a window..."
Man: "Want to play some Scrabble? Me and my wife used to play, before she passed away in a robbery. She'd make up words in languages I knew nothing about and say it counted, hahaha!"
Quantar: "Bu- but- ugh, fine where's that Scrabble game? ... So your wife was in a line at the robbery?"
Man: "No, my dear boy, she was the robbery! And I was the get-away driver. But she was shot in the legs by the police, and I drove off. She shot 5 police men before they decided to kill her, before she killed the entire police force! How long has it been now... 5 weeks? I'd say about 6..."
Quantar: "Uhh... yeah... I think I'll take a beer instead of coffee now, thanks. And about that Scrabble game, when will we play?
Man: "Here's your beer." *Quantar opens and takes a drink* "We might play after you wak... u..." *Quantar blacks out while the old man was talking*
I ended this soon for the suspense of what happens when Quantar wakes up, ect. I know it might not be interresting... yet. And who let this man in my story?! He's a freaking madman! I had a plan with the old man at first, but it changed when I was flooded with ideas. Coffee, coffee coffee.
Last edited by ssgohanf8 on Sun Dec 28, 2008 6:33 pm; edited 1 time in total
ssgohanf8- Member
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Age : 30
Registration date : 2008-10-22
Character sheet
Name: Quantar
Race: Saiya-Jin
Powerlevel: 3000/4500
Swordman- Member
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Level : ∞
Registration date : 2008-10-24
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Name: Swordman
Race: Saiya-Jin
Powerlevel: ∞
Re: Part 1
AnarchoElk Sun Dec 28, 2008 6:16 pm
I enjoyed it somewhat, not as serious fiction but as a gag manga style fiction.
My only gripe is the use of Windex. This is a different Earth, it should be Non streak CapsuleCleaner
My only gripe is the use of Windex. This is a different Earth, it should be Non streak CapsuleCleaner
AnarchoElk- Member
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Re: Part 1
ssgohanf8 Sun Dec 28, 2008 6:34 pm
Yeah, I used that now. Any other gripes then? Lol.AnarchoElk wrote:I enjoyed it somewhat, not as serious fiction but as a gag manga style fiction.
My only gripe is the use of Windex. This is a different Earth, it should be Non streak CapsuleCleaner
ssgohanf8- Member
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Name: Quantar
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Powerlevel: 3000/4500
Re: Part 1
Shikamaru Mon Dec 29, 2008 1:45 am
OH MY GOD!!!! THIS SHIT IS LESS THEN 9000!LO!LO!L!LO!!(!@&@&@~!
nah joking, its not too bad
nah joking, its not too bad
Shikamaru- Member
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Re: Part 1
ssgohanf8 Mon Dec 29, 2008 2:17 am
Lol, just because of the way you said it, I would have been fine lol. Thanks.Shikamaru wrote:OH MY GOD!!!! THIS SHIT IS LESS THEN 9000!LO!LO!L!LO!!(!@&@&@~!
nah joking, its not too bad
ssgohanf8- Member
- Number of posts : 878
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Character sheet
Name: Quantar
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Powerlevel: 3000/4500
Re: Part 1
Abyss Sun Jan 18, 2009 1:14 am
I never saw this....
But quite good, but try to stick to one style and use a better layout. Correct alinea's and no random enters or center it. Only, I liked the man, but he is crazy!!
But quite good, but try to stick to one style and use a better layout. Correct alinea's and no random enters or center it. Only, I liked the man, but he is crazy!!
Abyss- Admin
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Re: Part 1
ssgohanf8 Sun Jan 18, 2009 1:21 am
Well, that was very long and suspenseful!
Quantar slowly awoke, and a little queezy. He opened his eyes and noticed he was in a very cramped space, with lights and buttons everywhere, and he was sitting in a seat. "What?! Get me out! Now! RRRAAHH!" Quantar was destroying The seat and a few buttons, when he saw a small flashing red light. He lifted his arm in preperation of destroying it, but missed and hit the button above. Then he heard a computer voice saying "You have one missed message." And Quantar heard a familiar voice. "You'll never get my windows you no good brat! Now enjoy outer-space in my recently found ancient 'Star-Sphere'!!! (Really a spacepod)" Quantar had really gotten mad at these words. After 10 seconds of the message ending Quantar had already broken his chair in 20 pieces and smashed almost every singly button and light, you might not realize this but Quantar hates small spaces.
There was ONE button left... Quantar smiled in glee, he liked seeing the electricity pour out of the destroyed buttons... he was just evil like that. Quantar smashed the button with his elbow and heard the last words before the most thrilling parts of his life... "Hibernation mode activated." "Wait, what?!" Quantar said in surprise and confusement. He was not expecting those words. Then a green gas poured from the ceiling and surrounding him. And once again... he is knocked out...
Again, Quantar opened his eyes, but to his surprise there is light! The window of the space pod was knocked out, so Quantar climbed through. He was in a crater. Quantar arose to the edge of the crater... he looked around observing what may turn into a battlefield, depending if creatures of this new planet would act the same as humans. This planet had full grown trees only surpassing his head by a couple of feet. But... then Quantar saw them... little green aliens... their heads were oddly shaped and showed every vein, they only were as tall as his hip, they were quite ugly with pointy ears. Quantar thought they were adorable, though. He likes anything that will scare little children so badly they would wish they could go have nightmares. Two of them aproached him, he stood still not wanting to scare them into an assault. The two circled, staying opposite of each other ready to attack and investigate easier. They stopped circling with one in front and one behind Quantar. I then felt one crawl on Quantar's back... it was SNIFFING his neck! It was crawling over his shoulder sniffing him as if it knew him but couldn't remember. The creature sniffed Quantar's face, and Quantar did something without thinking for kicks. He blew out of his mouth to freak out the alien. The creature let out a short screech-ish sound and crawled off his back to converse with the others. Quantar could hear their short screeches, their wierd language un-comparable to any other he's ever heard. The two that examined him, came grabbed his hand and started pulling, him somewhere...
I wnt it to be clear, that these creatures are SAIBAMEN! YAY! Quantar fell on the planet where saibamen are first from!
Quantar slowly awoke, and a little queezy. He opened his eyes and noticed he was in a very cramped space, with lights and buttons everywhere, and he was sitting in a seat. "What?! Get me out! Now! RRRAAHH!" Quantar was destroying The seat and a few buttons, when he saw a small flashing red light. He lifted his arm in preperation of destroying it, but missed and hit the button above. Then he heard a computer voice saying "You have one missed message." And Quantar heard a familiar voice. "You'll never get my windows you no good brat! Now enjoy outer-space in my recently found ancient 'Star-Sphere'!!! (Really a spacepod)" Quantar had really gotten mad at these words. After 10 seconds of the message ending Quantar had already broken his chair in 20 pieces and smashed almost every singly button and light, you might not realize this but Quantar hates small spaces.
There was ONE button left... Quantar smiled in glee, he liked seeing the electricity pour out of the destroyed buttons... he was just evil like that. Quantar smashed the button with his elbow and heard the last words before the most thrilling parts of his life... "Hibernation mode activated." "Wait, what?!" Quantar said in surprise and confusement. He was not expecting those words. Then a green gas poured from the ceiling and surrounding him. And once again... he is knocked out...
Again, Quantar opened his eyes, but to his surprise there is light! The window of the space pod was knocked out, so Quantar climbed through. He was in a crater. Quantar arose to the edge of the crater... he looked around observing what may turn into a battlefield, depending if creatures of this new planet would act the same as humans. This planet had full grown trees only surpassing his head by a couple of feet. But... then Quantar saw them... little green aliens... their heads were oddly shaped and showed every vein, they only were as tall as his hip, they were quite ugly with pointy ears. Quantar thought they were adorable, though. He likes anything that will scare little children so badly they would wish they could go have nightmares. Two of them aproached him, he stood still not wanting to scare them into an assault. The two circled, staying opposite of each other ready to attack and investigate easier. They stopped circling with one in front and one behind Quantar. I then felt one crawl on Quantar's back... it was SNIFFING his neck! It was crawling over his shoulder sniffing him as if it knew him but couldn't remember. The creature sniffed Quantar's face, and Quantar did something without thinking for kicks. He blew out of his mouth to freak out the alien. The creature let out a short screech-ish sound and crawled off his back to converse with the others. Quantar could hear their short screeches, their wierd language un-comparable to any other he's ever heard. The two that examined him, came grabbed his hand and started pulling, him somewhere...
I wnt it to be clear, that these creatures are SAIBAMEN! YAY! Quantar fell on the planet where saibamen are first from!
ssgohanf8- Member
- Number of posts : 878
Age : 30
Registration date : 2008-10-22
Character sheet
Name: Quantar
Race: Saiya-Jin
Powerlevel: 3000/4500
Re: Part 1
ssgohanf8 Sun Jan 18, 2009 9:39 pm
There... were... huts... everywhere! The green creatures had pulled Quantar to a small village, and are headed to a 'large' castle, but it's really about the size of an average two story house. But they entered, though the guards were being clear that they didn't like it. Quantar sensed power levels much greater than his through out the village, some being ten times more powerful, and their looks made them threatening enough. All the guards were watching Quantar's every move, each one of them had their claws so sharp, that one touched him and accidently pierced his skin. He finally got to the throne room to see one of the aliens but with a head three times the others heads'. It motioned Quantar forward, and to show respect, he kneeled down to below eye level. The creature touched his forehead and he began seeing all the images that he'd seen since he'd arrived on the planet. Only this time, he understood what the saibamen said.
"Rise, to meet fate in the eyes. Prophecies foretell the events soon to occur. They tell of long ago, when tall creatures grew our species, just for tools of destruction. They could manipulate the newly grown ones because they thought they were supposed to do such things. We are a pride species ready to rule and not ruled over. But they say of one of they're own species to come forth and lead us to an amazing adventure! But, we must train you first. We shall hold a tournament, to increase your power level to one worthy of leadership. I have given you the knowledge of our language, but we use telepathy for security purposes, you may speak with us now." Quantar: "I-I'm not h-human? B-but... I always thought my family were possibly genetically altered for the great ice era..." King: "I say we continue to make you stronger. My species all know the legend, we just need to make you stronger, after that, we, the saibamen, will be your magnificent army!" Quantar: "Uh, but..." King: "We would happily blow ourselves up for the victory of our people, we want to rule! We will train you, and at the same time you shall be returning the favor." Quantar: "Well, I'm always up for training..." King: "Very good, we shall hold a tournament! Let me get you a right-hand man to serve you while your stay here. Ungar, please come!" Quantar heard the doors open and close behind him, he turned to see one of the same creatures come out but this one was blue. King: "As you may have guessed there are different colors. Long ago, each color used to be a tribe. Each color was to blend into surroundings for hunting purposes. The blue tribe blended with the water, but most of them died, but a few descendents still remain. Ungar, you will serve this man until your very death, feel honored, this is the man of legend." Ungar: "Yes sire, I will do so." Quantar grinned in excitement for the tournament and having a deadly army at his disposal... this will teach that old man... Quantar: "Do you any spaceships to get to any other planets?" King: "No, but we are very good with machinery if we can analyze it, we will have blue prints of your ship by tonight, using some of it's parts and technology, we will build very large spaceships." Quantar: "Make the doorway tall enough for me, or you'll have to start over." Ungar silently chuckled at Quantar's statement, he had never heard anyone talk demanding to the king before. Ungar: "Sir, may I know what to address you as?" King: "Yes I never caught you name..." Quantar: " Ungar, you may address me as Quantar, but the King may address me as 'sir'." Quantar turned around and headed out the door with Ungar soon behind, leaving the king with a surprised look and before the doors closed Quantar heard "Y-yes s-sir..."
Quantar was standing looking at a second castle, in the time that he had went inside to see the King, the saibamen workers had already made him a bigger building than what the King had... "Y-your builders sure work quickly..." Ungar was in shock. "I-it usually takes them 30 minutes to find a blue print... the town sure is in an uproar since you've come." Both Quantar shuttled into the castle to see the inside, it was beautiful... Quantar didn't know people so hideous could MAKE anything so beautiful. The two of the wandered into a couple of rooms, Quantar started searching for a room in particular. He ended up in a couple of bedrooms, which looked great but not what he's looking for, then he turned a corner and saw a red saibaman as tall as up to his neck, but more importantly, a COOKING red saibaman as tall as his neck. In a softer voice the saibawoman said, "Hello sir, how are you? I'm making a saibamen cuisine." "What is it?! What is it?!" Quantar screeched jumping up and down. Quantar looked at the food, it looked like a see-through yellow blob with one eye and an arm sticking out the side. It twitched in the pan. "You cooking it alive?" The saibawoman gave a curious look. "Of course, why not? You will be eating it alive too, by the way my name is Latila." Quantar: "I hope it shrieks in pain when I eat it... I like to make things suffer...
I can't wait until the tournament begins. And yes, I am going o make female saibamen tall. I think it'd be cool.
"Rise, to meet fate in the eyes. Prophecies foretell the events soon to occur. They tell of long ago, when tall creatures grew our species, just for tools of destruction. They could manipulate the newly grown ones because they thought they were supposed to do such things. We are a pride species ready to rule and not ruled over. But they say of one of they're own species to come forth and lead us to an amazing adventure! But, we must train you first. We shall hold a tournament, to increase your power level to one worthy of leadership. I have given you the knowledge of our language, but we use telepathy for security purposes, you may speak with us now." Quantar: "I-I'm not h-human? B-but... I always thought my family were possibly genetically altered for the great ice era..." King: "I say we continue to make you stronger. My species all know the legend, we just need to make you stronger, after that, we, the saibamen, will be your magnificent army!" Quantar: "Uh, but..." King: "We would happily blow ourselves up for the victory of our people, we want to rule! We will train you, and at the same time you shall be returning the favor." Quantar: "Well, I'm always up for training..." King: "Very good, we shall hold a tournament! Let me get you a right-hand man to serve you while your stay here. Ungar, please come!" Quantar heard the doors open and close behind him, he turned to see one of the same creatures come out but this one was blue. King: "As you may have guessed there are different colors. Long ago, each color used to be a tribe. Each color was to blend into surroundings for hunting purposes. The blue tribe blended with the water, but most of them died, but a few descendents still remain. Ungar, you will serve this man until your very death, feel honored, this is the man of legend." Ungar: "Yes sire, I will do so." Quantar grinned in excitement for the tournament and having a deadly army at his disposal... this will teach that old man... Quantar: "Do you any spaceships to get to any other planets?" King: "No, but we are very good with machinery if we can analyze it, we will have blue prints of your ship by tonight, using some of it's parts and technology, we will build very large spaceships." Quantar: "Make the doorway tall enough for me, or you'll have to start over." Ungar silently chuckled at Quantar's statement, he had never heard anyone talk demanding to the king before. Ungar: "Sir, may I know what to address you as?" King: "Yes I never caught you name..." Quantar: " Ungar, you may address me as Quantar, but the King may address me as 'sir'." Quantar turned around and headed out the door with Ungar soon behind, leaving the king with a surprised look and before the doors closed Quantar heard "Y-yes s-sir..."
Quantar was standing looking at a second castle, in the time that he had went inside to see the King, the saibamen workers had already made him a bigger building than what the King had... "Y-your builders sure work quickly..." Ungar was in shock. "I-it usually takes them 30 minutes to find a blue print... the town sure is in an uproar since you've come." Both Quantar shuttled into the castle to see the inside, it was beautiful... Quantar didn't know people so hideous could MAKE anything so beautiful. The two of the wandered into a couple of rooms, Quantar started searching for a room in particular. He ended up in a couple of bedrooms, which looked great but not what he's looking for, then he turned a corner and saw a red saibaman as tall as up to his neck, but more importantly, a COOKING red saibaman as tall as his neck. In a softer voice the saibawoman said, "Hello sir, how are you? I'm making a saibamen cuisine." "What is it?! What is it?!" Quantar screeched jumping up and down. Quantar looked at the food, it looked like a see-through yellow blob with one eye and an arm sticking out the side. It twitched in the pan. "You cooking it alive?" The saibawoman gave a curious look. "Of course, why not? You will be eating it alive too, by the way my name is Latila." Quantar: "I hope it shrieks in pain when I eat it... I like to make things suffer...
I can't wait until the tournament begins. And yes, I am going o make female saibamen tall. I think it'd be cool.
ssgohanf8- Member
- Number of posts : 878
Age : 30
Registration date : 2008-10-22
Character sheet
Name: Quantar
Race: Saiya-Jin
Powerlevel: 3000/4500
Re: Part 1
Abyss Mon Jan 19, 2009 6:19 pm
Lol nice, and typical that the saibawoman is cooking XD
But youre a saibaman?!!!?!?!?!!
But youre a saibaman?!!!?!?!?!!
Abyss- Admin
- Number of posts : 2107
Age : 32
Location : Utrecht, The Netherlands
Ingame Name : Abyss
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Character sheet
Name: Abyss
Race: Saiya-Jin
Powerlevel: 23,000 -
Re: Part 1
ssgohanf8 Mon Jan 19, 2009 6:28 pm
No, I'm not a saibaman what did I say to make you think that? But yeah, Latila will teach Quantar... well you'll find out. The saibamen have really made me want to make my story progress, because it's exciting!
ssgohanf8- Member
- Number of posts : 878
Age : 30
Registration date : 2008-10-22
Character sheet
Name: Quantar
Race: Saiya-Jin
Powerlevel: 3000/4500
Re: Part 1
Abyss Mon Jan 19, 2009 8:21 pm
Oh lol, I should've read it better nvm
Mmm, Imma continue my story too I think, this part I posted was just to introduce my special attack
Too bad noone replied and told me if they liked it or not
Hint
Mmm, Imma continue my story too I think, this part I posted was just to introduce my special attack
Too bad noone replied and told me if they liked it or not
Hint
Abyss- Admin
- Number of posts : 2107
Age : 32
Location : Utrecht, The Netherlands
Ingame Name : Abyss
Registration date : 2008-10-14
Character sheet
Name: Abyss
Race: Saiya-Jin
Powerlevel: 23,000 -
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